today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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