I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
