when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
