saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
