Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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