I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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