FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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