I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
