I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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