i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
