I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
