so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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