A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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