I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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