Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
