My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
