you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
