my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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