My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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