Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
