im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
