Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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