I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
