I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
