You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
