we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
