And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Im part way to drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
