dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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