My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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