he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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