Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
