do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
