I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
