she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
