hotel room ftw
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
