I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dignity is for republicans.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
