My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
