Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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