the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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