My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
