If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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