Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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