ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
