I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this just has baby written all over it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
