Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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