You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
