wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
