you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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