i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
worst night to have a conscience
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
