I accidentally had phone sex last night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
