really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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